Before I dive into this, I need to warn you: this is lengthy. Just bare with me. I’m going to share a very shortened version of my testimony with you and share what God has taught me in the past few months of my current season.
My parents’ marriage was slightly dysfunctional. They loved each other, but there was a lot of fighting and a lot of tension. By no means am I bashing them; they did the best they knew how in raising us. They weren’t the best example, but they were far from the worst! My dad, also known in my heart as my childhood hero, passed away when I was sixteen… during my junior year of high school. The world kept spinning, life kept happening, but I was a WRECK. Even that is probably an understatement. I had “daddy issues.” I filled the gap of my father with the attention and affection of dumb teenage boys who always had bad motives. This continued through High School and into college – failed relationship after failed relationship. I was treated like crap and I tolerated it, but I was clinging to the idea of love. I was left empty. I felt abandoned. I felt used. I felt like trash. I felt worthless. I can’t even begin the explain to you the darkness that entered my life as I clung to anyone who could potentially offer me love.
I never really went to church growing up, but I accepted Jesus as Savior a long time ago. I allowed my mind to accept that He died on a cross and now I can go to Heaven. But I never understood what that had to do with my life on Earth. This is a completely different topic, but I bet a lot of “Christians” in South Carolina are in the same boat that I was in. In the pit of my darkness, I was all of a sudden aware of the fact that I needed God. I knew that He was the answer to all the question, and the only explanation of the awareness and need is the Holy Spirit. I took a long shower and I had a real prayer time with God. It was the first time in my life that I had prayed on my own without being led by someone or just bowing my head while someone else prayed. That afternoon, I invited myself to church with my roommate and I didn’t look back. I surrendered, slowly but surely. I finally understood that Jesus demands to be Savior and Lord. So that’s what I made Him. My life changed radically. He made me a new creation.
Being that my past with guys was such a huge part of my hurt and a huge thing for me to surrender, I spent a lot of time listening to sermons & reading books on dating. I needed to know what true, biblical relationships looked like. The more I learned, the more I was excited about having a boyfriend, getting married, starting a family, etc. I knew what I was supposed to expect and receive and I wanted it immediately. So again, I searched for love. I had two short-lived “relationships” over the course of a few months with nice guys who went to church, but they both failed miserably. I lost focus of the love I had from God in Christ and I tried to hold onto my past and drag it into my new life. I soon realized that I’m called to abandon ALL and so I did. For real this time.
Being intentional is so important in relationships, but no one talks about being intentional in singleness. After a lot of prayer, God spoke to me and allowed me to realize that I needed that – a time of intentional singleness to grow absolutely and completely content in His love alone. Basically I needed to get really serious about being intentional with Him. So October 21, 2013, that’s exactly what I did. At first I put a date on it and decided to do a year of singleness. But for many reasons, I felt pulled to nix that and simply be intentional in my singleness, continually growing in Him, until whenever.
A little over three months later, I’m the happiest I’ve been ever! I’m more satisfied in The Lord than ever. I’m more prayerful. I hear from Him more than ever. My ability to discern situations seems to have increased. I made a prayer list for my future husband, and I pray over His life and I pray for His heart every single day. The Lord has opened my eyes to so many new things in His Word that have opened my heart to His love on a much deeper level.
Today, I want to share the main verse that I have clung to and prayed into my life.
Proverbs 18:22 (ESV): “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from The Lord.”
This Proverb is packed with SO much meaning! Firstly, it says that the man is supposed to find a wife. I am not supposed to pursue him; I am supposed to be found. One of my favorite things about this verse is the definition of the word find: to recognize something valuable in an unexpected way. That’s how it’s supposed to happen… he will recognize me and pursue me. My job? Be a good thing for him. This portion of the verse is reference back to Genesis 2:18, “Then the LORD God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.'” I’m supposed to be a helper fit for him- someone to serve him, to uplift him, to encourage him, etc. (More on what God has taught me regarding this will come later.)
Being a good thing takes preparation and work. In growing content in The Lord and serving selflessly, I have been preparing for the day that I become a wife. I already love my husband, whoever He is, and I am excited for the day that I stand across from him at the altar (or wherever we get married), looking into his eyes, knowing that he is the man I have prayed for and the man that God is giving me. I am still a hopeless romantic. I still love weddings. I still love love. I still love learning about biblical relationships and marriage. But more than all of those things, I love The Lord! I am obsessed with His love for me, and that is my only obsession. I have surrendered my marriage to Him. It is His to establish, and when it happens, it will be solely for the glory of His name. I love The Lord enough that I can say with no hesitation that I am being still and waiting on The Lord, just as He asks me to.
“Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving. See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to the human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ. For in him the whole fullness of deity dwells bodily, and you have been filled in him, who is the head of all rule and authority.” Colossians 2:6-10 ESV